An Immortal Suckfest
by behind.my.bright.blue.eyes
Summary: Rosalie's life as an immortal, is a little more than unbearable. Pissed off and hilarious, Rosalie shares HER side of the story. One Shot! R&R!


Life sucks. . .

And then you get bitten by a vampire. . .

And then you _can't _die.

_Why would dearest Rosalie want death? _You may ask yourself. _Is she a suicidal freak?_

Well. . ._ maybe._

I, Rosalie Hale, do not enjoy life as an immortal.

You all know what happened, right?

Well, here's a little recap: Once upon a time in a land of long ago, with ice tea and porch swings, lived a girl named Rosalie Hale. And I had everything I had wanted. I was beautiful, I came from a wealthy family, and I was engaged to someone who I thought was the love of my life.

And then you wanna know what happened?

Well, then I went over to visit my friend Vera and her little boy; Henry.

And then, all I had ever wanted for the rest of my life was to have a little Henry of my own.

Vera's husband had come home late for work that night, and I thought I would let them enjoy their night alone. I began my walk home, down the dark and gloomy streets alone, but I was happy; the thoughts of cute and adorable Henry, still fresh in my mind.

But I was a shallow idiot in those days. I hadn't noticed Royce, who stood with his cult, on the opposite side of the streets; drunk.

He called me over. And I'll spare you part of the pain. But the bottom line is: they were drunk, I got raped, and then I almost died.

That's excitement for you.

I'm pretty sure if I could go back and change my unfortunate past, I would make sure Carlisle was way in the hell away from me!

And he would never find my body.

And he would have never changed me.

But that sounds all fine and dandy written, but it's absolutely impossible to be done (unless somehow I can find some really mad scientist who can stick me in his time machine and tell Carlisle to bug off).

So, now I was stuck in an immortal suckfest.

Literally.

The really only _kind of_ decent thing in my life so far has been Emmett.

Oh, Emmett.

He doesn't deserve a depressed freak like me.

Before I had found Emmett, life was tough. I would sit around moping all day long. Sometimes I would try to plot ways to kill myself. . .but of course, Edward would here me and tell Carlisle, who would then continue to put me in straight-jacket.

That mind-rapist.

So I don't honestly don't understand why so many people would want to live forever. Trust me, it's like hell. So, when Edward brought home Bella for the first time, it was all I could do to keep that stupid little mortal horrified from making the biggest mistake of my life.

But of course, the stupid little twit didn't listen.

And now. . .she's just like me.

But now she had her happy ending, and I guess it brought some joy to me, too.

Near the end, when Bella was still pregnant with Ness, she had asked me to protect her. All the guys had wanted to kill "the demon spawn" as they called it. Edward, Carlisle, Emmett, Jasper, Jacob; _all of them._

And Oh, speaking of Jacob.

I hate that mongrel.

I absolutely love Nessie, really I do. It's just that now that she's born, Jacob can't freaking stay away from her!

_A List of Why I Absolutely, Positively Hate and Despise Jacob Black:_

_A list by Rosalie Hale_

_1. Before the lovebird (Ed) had knocked poor Bella up, I would always have to hear insane monologues of how much Edward had hated Jacob, hence making me that much angrier at Jacob, who was the cause of these horrible ranting sessions!_

_2. After the knocking up was finished with, I would then have to hear more about how he wished she had chosen Jacob instead. Make up your mind freak! Either you hate him or you don't; JUST CHOSE ONE!_

_3. Then After the whole imprinting crap went through, I would have to hear Edward rant even more about how "He didn't want that mutt with his only daughter and blah blah blah blah blah. . ."_

_4. He never respects the time when it's my turn to hold Renesmee! We have a schedule for a reason mongrel! And you need to respect the small amount of time that I am allotted to hold my own niece!_

_5. He smells like a pile of shit._

_6. I just hate him, okay._

I just don't see that there's much to live for when you're me. I pretty much just sit around all damn day long. And, take it from a pro, it really isn't that fun!

Let's see. . .things I could do that might be slightly entertaining in this hellhole. . .think. . .

Well, for one, I could write a book story of my life. . . oh, look I'm already doing that!

Ha-ha.

Okay. . . well, maybe I could play a game of chess. . .Oh, wait. . . .I don't know how to play chess!. . .Maybe Emmett will teach me?. . .nope he's hunting.

I could go on an insane rampage in town and kill a ton of innocent people? . . .No, too messy.

I could go down stairs and try not to be the anti-social littlw witch I'm always accused of being. Nah. . ._Jacob's _down stairs.

That guy needs to get a life.

I could write a poem. I could fly a kite. I could color. Burn incense? Get high, drink a cup of tea (oh, wait. . .I'm a _vampire._), talk with a British accent, make faces in my mirror, buy new underwear, throw the couch out my window, pray, bake brownies I can't eat. . .maybe I could try yoga?

Psh, hell if I know. All _I _know is that I'm pretty much stuck.

So, I guess the most important question is. . .

Of you can live_ forever_. . .what do you live _for_?

Well. . .I live for Emmett. I live for Ness. But do I really care about anything else?

Maybe I just need a hobby.

Let's see. Oh! Maybe I could be a chef! A chef for what, Rosalie? You silly vampire! You can't eat food, remember? Ha-ha.

I could be a firefighter. Nah.

Maybe I could be like a CIA agent or something? Doubt it.

So, as you can see, my life has been thoroughly screwed over.

I'll never get anywhere.

So, go ahead. You need a vampire to suck the life out of you?

You need someone who cares?

You need someone to protect you?

Go ahead.

Take me.

Take everything I have.

Because I just can't seem to escape this immortal suckfest.

* * *

**A/N: Hey there guys!**

**What'd ya think?**

**Any favorites lines?**

**Did I do good?**

**Review!  
**


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